Domestic violence against men

The issue of domestic violence has really been on my mind in the last week, particularly after seeing a horrendous cartoon featured on Genius Football’s Twitter feed. I’ll spell it out in words as we don’t want to republish the image:

(Man and woman in clinch) Woman: “Hey love. I have arranged our honeymoon on August 17^th.

(Man hits woman in the face, causing a large flow of blood) Man: “Dafuq? I aint missing the start of Premier League. Go alone.”

Making a joke of a man beating a woman for any reason is enough to make anybody’s stomach turn. The picture has since been taken down from the social media site and I hope the person who posted it is well and truly ashamed.

But it’s actually domestic violence against men I want to talk about. This is partly because our Smart Talk (problem page) panel recently received a letter from a guy who was being hit by his wife, and partly because there is so little focus on this type of violence in the media. Domestic violence against women is certainly a taboo, but we could be forgiven for thinking that violence against men simply doesn’t happen.

Did you know that one-third of domestic violence victims are men? I have to say I was shocked at that statistic, and I actually looked it up to verify it (with the National Centre for Domestic Violence). Because when those two ugly words are spoken, I invariably think of a man standing threatening over a terrified and defenceless woman.

I admit this is ignorance on my part, but I also think that male victims are repeatedly, and wrongly, ignored. According to the same site, one in six men will experience domestic violence during their lifetime and a 999 call is made every three minutes by a male victim.

Perhaps this issue doesn’t get as much ‘air time’ because men find it more difficult to talk about abuse and to ask for help. After all, men are supposed to strong and protective aren’t they? Surely admitting to being hit – not least by a woman – is to admit weakness and defeat? Of course, this isn’t our opinion at Sorted; it’s just the way some men see themselves. Then when violence occurs they blame themselves for not upholding the media-fuelled ‘standard of manhood’. Regardless of gender, any human being can be abusive to another, whether verbally or physically, and this has no bearing on the victim’s physical or emotional strength.

It is important to talk about domestic violence, because silence perpetuates the problem and gives the abuser power. Some find it helpful to speak to a close friend, while others prefer to talk to a stranger, such as a counsellor or a church leader. Doing so helps to release pent-up emotions and can enable victims to see solutions where before there was only hopelessness. Admitting that abuse is taking place isn’t a sign of weakness; it takes immense courage to do this.

Others feel that speaking about domestic abuse is a betrayal of the partner carrying out the abuse. Many blame themselves and feel they deserve to be hit, while others love their partners deeply and want to fix things without stirring the waters. Each case is different and there is no right or wrong way to act, but it’s important to accept that the violence is wrong and that, one way or another, it has to stop.

There are several groups out there to help men experiencing domestic violence, including Men's Advice Line and ManKind Initiative. Men’s Advice Line offers the following advice for male victims:

·         Keep a record of the dates and times of any incidents. If you have been injured, seek medical attention and the doctor will make a note of your injuries

·         Keep your phone charged and on your person at all times in case you need to make an emergency call

·         Tell a trusted friend or family member what's been happening

·         Make sure your passport and important documents are kept in a safe place (preferably with a trusted friend)

·         Report violence or criminal damage to the police

·         Don’t retaliate, it's not safe

If you or someone you know has experienced domestic violence of any kind, get in touch with Men’s Advice Line on 0808 801 0327 or via the website.

Read more on this issue in the upcoming edition of Sorted magazine, out August 19.